I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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