I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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