The maid of honor just puked.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
