On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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