mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
