Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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