like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Found your dick twin last night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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