my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
