why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
