If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
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S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
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I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.