I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
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He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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