i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
