The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
