No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
