Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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