so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
