I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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