well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
