i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
