I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
