I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
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dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
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I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child