i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break