My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
