last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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