I can text with my tongue
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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