dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
