If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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