You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
