When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
