Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize