I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
