I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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