Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
