Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
