so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
