my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
