it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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