I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
