Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
