How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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