I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Houston, we have a squirter
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
