you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
