i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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