I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize