i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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