how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
