I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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