i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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