Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
They are going to name an STD after you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
