I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
