I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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