Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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