She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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