I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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