Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize