Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize