hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
