He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
