we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
